Friends,

My plan was to start at the beginning and bring you up to date on my life, my struggles and victories but as we know our plans dont count! Ill touch on it more today but in this moment Im writing asking for prayers. Ive hit a down and while I know undoubtly that God will bring me out of this, I need all the help I can get! Last night, the man I was 100% certain God had made just for me and I was planning my future with told me he no longer felt that way. Dear ones, this truly was a shock. Less than 24 hours earlier, he was telling me how much he loved me and how real things were and how he couldn't wait for the future God had planned for us. How we had waited so very long for this and now we had it and how awesome it was going to be! I had prayed every day that God would take this relationship and grow it. God was 1st in our relationship, or so I thought. I reflect back today, I realize I wasnt on my walk for the right reasons. I did it for B (as we will call him), not for me and dang sure not for God. While God has done amazing things in my life during this relationship, I was idolizing B and not God. I was following B, listening to him and his "ideas". Now before I go futher, please let me say that B is a man of God, and he had no intentions of forcing me to follow him. I do believe that He has a long way to go in his walk and I pray for him today and always. He is a good man but while we strived to be right in God's eyes we lost sight of the true journey and instead of following Him, we followed us. It truly is amazing how God works! Im so blessed and thankful God woke me up to this! Granted it would have been nice if He has done it another way but as always He knows what is best and I trust Him completely! So please friends, take a moment to say a small prayer for healing and understanding! And please know I am always willing and would be honored to pray for you also! God is so Good!!!!

Now, where I left off....Depression.

It felt like forever but I finally started feeling human again as I said. I stopped having the panic attacks, my shingles cleared up and I could breath again. I stayed on my medication for a few years and then finally felt healthy enough to try and get off of them. I never wanted to be dependant on any medication. (FYI, the only way this can happen is through God, in my opinon and at this point I was not there yet).  I was good for awhile, but eventually my symptoms started to come back and they came back strong. The first panic attack came while I was driving. Talk about freak out!! I knew exactly where I was but with the attack, I was completely lost. I was following my dad to the Women's College World Series (WCWS) to work as an usher and all of a sudden I had no clue where I was. I called my mom and she talked me through til I got to a safe place to stop and get out of the car. I was able to calm down and go on and work but it shook me to the core. It was the first of many but this time I reconized it and was able to get back on meds and stayed on them until about a year ago. I had started going to a bible study at my dear friend's house, D. She had always been a pillar for me and my relationship grew with God and life was good! I believed I could get off the meds again with God and have been medication free for a year. I have had a couple of panic attacks but was able to stop them without taking a pill! I am so thankful to God for this! Now I am by no means healed, it is a daily battle and there are days it wins but I always fight back. I refuse to go back! I trust God that He will not allow that to happen and even through my disobediance He has kept me from falling back in!

I would love to tell you that from that point on it was all happy go lucky but not the case! Stay tuned.....

Hugs and blessing~
E